relationships

The Grace of God Changes our Marriages: Ephesians 5:21-33

/ Neal Embry

God’s grace comes, not just as a ticket to heaven, but as a way to make all things new. That certainly includes forgiveness of sins, eternal life, and a righteous standing before God, who has become our heavenly Father. But God’s grace also changes our personal relationships, and Paul details three of those relationships toward the end of his letter to the Ephesians: marriage, parent and child, and bond-servant and master. Today, we’ll examine how God’s grace changes our marriage.

“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”–5:21-24

You may have wondered why verse 21 wasn’t included in the previous two posts, as part of the section usually titled “Walk in Love.” This is one of those times where dividing what is meant to be read as a letter into sections hurts. Verse 21 precedes the subsequent section by bringing the reader’s mind to the topic of submission.

As a church, we submit to others. We won’t fully understand or appreciate God’s commands regarding submission in marriage, to our parents or to authorities until we understand the truth that as believers, we submit in humility to everyone, out of reverence for Christ, who submitted Himself to the point of death on a cross.

The million-dollar question that’s always asked when these passages are discussed is: What is “submission?” What does that mean; what does that look like in my life?

To submit means recognizing that I am not my own. If we belong to Christ, we belong to the body, which means my life is not simply lived for own sake, but for the sake of others. I have a role to play, and it does not revolve around me, but around the Lord and other people.

“For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many,” Mark 10:45 says. We follow our Savior’s lead, realizing that we work for others, not the other way around.

That character trait must be understood before it is applied to specific situations. So what does it look like in marriage?

For the wife, it means loving submission to her husband. This is not a simple acquiescence to whatever her husband asks, but an attitude of love, trust and respect that seeks to help her husband lead the family. As a believing woman, she submits to God’s will for her life, and, in doing so, submits to her husband and his leadership. Wives submit to their husband because they submit to the Lord.

Does that mean, as some unfortunately take it to mean, that “a woman’s place is in the home?” Or that women ought not speak in the presence of men? Or that a woman should never speak her mind? By no means! Paul is not advocating that women silently go along with their husband down ungodly paths, or that women never contribute to the home or to society as a whole. As the son of a hard-working woman, who worked tirelessly to raise me by herself while working a demanding, full-time job, I’m proud of women who get up early and stay up late to help lead their families. The subject of whether or not a woman should stay at home isn’t discussed anywhere in this passage, and as such, isn’t really up for debate from this text. A woman’s submission to her husband should exist regardless of what job she holds or who brings in more money, just as a husband’s love should exist regardless of those conditions as well. Submission doesn’t mean silence. Submission means respect; submission means trust and, for the wife, submission means respecting her husband’s authority while seeking to humbly offer wisdom and input into important family decisions.

Now, for the husband:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”–5:25-33

Notice how much more Paul says to men here. The role of a husband is not to dominate the marriage and rule with an iron fist, but, like Christ, to sacrificially love, serve and lead his wife and children.

Submission, for the husband, means considering his wife’s needs before his own. Ungodly husbands do this, so how much more so should godly men? Sacrificial love, for Christ, meant bearing a cross to take away our sin. Sacrificial love, for husbands, means seeing your wife’s needs and meeting them. Sacrificial love means we’re more concerned with how our family is doing than we are with the score of the ball game. Sacrificial love means coming home, and instead of expecting our wives to take care of everything, actively seeking ways to love our wives and make them more like Jesus.

Marriage, according to Paul, should be a lifelong growth in holiness. As great as it is to experience life together, the goal of marriage, as is the goal of everything else in the Christian’s life, is to glorify God by becoming more like Christ and fulfilling God’s will for our lives.

I know I struggle with making everything in my life about me. It’s very subtle, because it plays out in how I spend my time, how much time I spend talking to others, and what I expect out of other people. I can be extraordinarily selfish. And if that doesn’t get killed by God’s grace, it will ruin my marriage. So, by God’s grace, I seek to kill that so that I can love my wife in a Christlike way that will honor God and sanctify us.

If I expect my wife to submit to me, I ought to be a man worthy of that trust and submission. See the beautiful picture Paul describes: A man loves his wife more than he loves himself. He sacrifices daily to meet her needs and lead her closer to Christ. The wife lovingly trusts her husband and allows him to lead her and seeks to help him fulfill God’s plan for their lives. This is a wonderful picture of the gospel.

Christ lovingly humbles Himself, serves us, meets our need of forgiveness and salvation, and now calls us to humbly and lovingly submit to Him, listening to Him, following His lead as we live lives that glorify Him. Marriage is a picture of the gospel. Believe the gospel, let it sink into the depths of your heart, and let your marriage be changed by it.

Lord, may we seek to honor you in our marriages. May we be godly husbands who lead our wives, and may we be godly wives who submit to our husbands. May we glorify you in all things, and may we let the gospel and your grace change everything about us and our lives.

God bless,

Neal E.

The Golden Rule: The Gospel and Relationships

/ Neal Embry / Leave a comment

Matthew 7:12, commonly known to as “The Golden Rule,” is one of the most famous verses in all of Scripture, and is often used by Christians and non-Christians alike.  It’s easily found on coffee mugs and posters, plastered across the American landscape.  But what does it actually mean?  What was Jesus getting at when He said it?

In case you’ve forgotten the Golden Rule and so shamed your parents and elementary school teachers, here it is:

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

When was the last time you actually treated someone as you would want to be treated?  This morning, in traffic, did you treat the guy who cut you off like you’d want to be treated?  When your kids didn’t listen to you, and refused to obey you, did you treat them the way you’d like to be treated?  When your coworker didn’t exactly keep their promise to help out with that project that was due a week ago, did you treat them like you’d want to be treated?

We all fail to treat others as we want to be treated, because there’s a fundamental disconnect in what we think we deserve, and what we think others deserve.  Our pride would have us believe we are worthy of grace, while others are only worthy of law.  Our pride clouds our eyes from seeing our sin, but amazingly, we can see the sin of people we don’t even know!  We have good excuses, but “they” have a problem.

None of us want to be treated with the law, that is, with true justice.  We all wish for grace.  But when it comes for us to give grace, we don’t treat others the way we want to be treated.

Let’s say, for example, you cut someone off in traffic because you’re in a hurry.  We can all relate to this, and if you can’t, I’m going to assume you’re either under the age of 16, or you’re just abnormally nice behind the wheel of a car.  But, if you’re like 99% of us, you can relate to this.

When you cut someone off, and they honk their horn, is your first thought, “Oh man, that was sort of mean…I probably shouldn’t have done that.  I’ll be sure to slow down and apologize to them?”  Probably not.  Our first reaction is more along the lines of, “How dare they!  I’m late to work! I’ve got to get to (wherever you happen to be going).  They ought to drive faster!”  We want them to identify with us, to treat us with grace, or unmerited favor, when we offend them.

But if they cut us off, all you-know-what breaks loose.  “That psycho cut me off!”  “They ought to be arrested!”  When we see them pulled over half a mile later, we smile and whisper, “Justice,” even though, were we the ones to get pulled over, we’d be full of excuses, hoping, wishing, desiring that the police officer would let us off the hook, “just this once.”

Do you see the hypocrisy here?  We desire to be treated with grace.  But we don’t at all desire to treat others with grace.  Again, children are a perfect example here.  Anyone who’s ever worked with kids knows they want grace, not law.  “Please, I won’t do it again!”  “I’ll be better, I promise!”  But when their older brother twists their arm, or their sister steals their toy: “Mom/Dad…make them stop!  Ground them/put them in timeout/spank them!”  While children may grow up in a lot of ways, they’ll never grow out of their innate, sinful tendency to want to receive grace while desiring to dispense law.  At least not by their own strength.  And neither will we.

Jesus commands that we treat people with grace if that’s how we want to be treated.  We’ve established that grace is how we want to be treated, but we find it impossible to treat others with grace.  So how do we obey what Jesus says?  We have to look at what Jesus has done.  We have to see the gospel.  We have to believe the gospel.  And we have to be changed by it.

While we treat others with law, Jesus treats us with grace.  When we had sinned against Him and earned nothing but eternal hell, He left His heavenly throne to come rescue us.  When we despised Him and went after false gods, He drew us back to Himself and gave us the eyes to see and despise our sin.  When we lived for ourselves, He lived for us.  When we went after death, He died for us.  When we ran away from Him, He gave us the repentance and faith needed to come back to Him.  When we were condemned by the law, He freed us from that condemnation with His grace, at the cost of His life.

So, when we see we have no shot at saving ourselves, and we trust in Christ to be our Lord and lead us, and trust in Him as our Savior, and we receive His righteousness, and we trust and rest in His forgiveness, we are empowered, by the gospel and the power of the Holy Spirit, to show this same grace to others.

When we’re tempted to treat others the way we don’t want to be treated (law), we remember that it is by grace God has drawn us to trust in Him as our God.  We remember that God has declared us righteous, not by our law-keeping, but by Christ’s law-keeping.  We remember that it is by the blood of Christ that we are declared forgiven, and are, through faith in Christ as Lord and Savior, adopted as children of God.  We remember the grace we’ve received, and we show it to others to be more like Christ and to glorify Him.

So if you’re struggling to show grace, you need more grace.  You need more of what Jesus has done for you.  You need to rest in that, and trust in Him to help you be who you are.  And in those moments when you’re tempted to respond with law in your relationships with others, you can remember grace.  And you can be like Jesus.

Lord, may we remember that we are saved by grace.  May we treat others with that same grace.  May the gospel change us from the inside out.

God bless,

Neal E.

Note: Treating others with grace does not mean that you have to endure abuse, or that you don’t have the obligation to report a crime.  Grace destroys sin, it never enables sin.  It is not ungracious for you to separate from someone who is hurting you.  It is ungracious to not pray for that person or to desire their eternal condemnation.  It is not ungracious for you to report a crime, such as sexual assault.  It is ungracious for you to not care about innocent people who are being hurt when you can do something to stop it.  I didn’t include this in the main text, as it would take away from the main thrust of the message, but we must not think that showing grace means enabling sin.  Grace means doing what needs to be done to restore that person, and sometimes that means separating from them, or calling the police, or a private conversation that gets to the heart of the issue.  Pray to God for the eyes to see how we can show grace to everyone, even to those who hurt us.