manhood

If the title sounds familiar, it’s because not too long ago, I wrote a post about Ray Rice and his domestic abuse case. Now, the cases of abuse are piling up. Adrian Peterson, Greg Hardy, Ray McDonald and Jonathan Dwyer are all under investigation for alleged cases of abuse.

What is happening here? What is wrong? What can we do to fix this? Make more laws? Make better policy? Kick them all out?

Honestly, depending on the legal outcome of these cases, none of these men should play football again. Ever. I don’t care that Adrian Peterson is the best running back in the NFL. If you abuse your child, you don’t deserve to play football. You deserve a jail cell.

The biggest problem, as stated in the post about Ray Rice, is sin. And the answer is Jesus. Jesus lives the life we cannot live. He dies the death we should have died. And He defeats sin and death, rising from the grave, commanding all men to repent and come to Him for salvation and new life. The answer is to come to Jesus with a repentant, humble heart, trusting Him for forgiveness and new life where we learn, day by day, to live in obedience to Him as Lord.

The answer is still the same. It’s still grace. It’s forgiveness, and the work of God in someone’s heart.

But God isn’t just the redeemer of individuals. He’s the redeemer of entire cultures, entire nations, and the entire world. And what the NFL culture, sports culture, and man culture (if I can call it that) needs is redemption. Forgiveness, new life, a new direction. And that is something only Jesus can provide.

Here’s where we’ve gone wrong: We celebrate the wrong kinds of men. We clap for the men who out-muscle the man across from him, the men who hit the game-winning shot. We clap for the man who beats the other man to a bloody pulp. We equate manliness with muscles and athletic ability. Jesus never, ever equates true manhood with how much you can bench press (or any other physical attribute). While we should most definitely take care of our bodies, it is done out of desire to honor God and the desire to be ready to do what God’s called us to do. If you can bench press 350 but fail to love and honor your wife, you’re not a man. You’re a boy with muscles. Congratulations, punk.

We celebrate athletic feats while quietly dismissing off the field character issues. After all, who cares how you treat your child if you can run for 2,000 yards and 20 touchdowns? If you can win an NBA title, it seems we don’t care if you’re humble and serve others the way God serves us in Christ. Men that do humble themselves in the image of Christ, loving and serving others, are assumed to be less than men. They’re “girly-men.” They’re “whipped” by their woman. Again, the goal is not be “yes men,” simply doing everything anyone asks you to do, but we do seek to meet others’ needs before we meet our own. The sports culture, and culture as a whole, teaches that manliness is getting what you want when you want it. You know what happens, unfortunately, when man’s depravity meets an attitude of getting what you want when you want it? Rape. Certainly not service, or love, or honoring others. But rape is the worst form of this false “manhood.” If a woman won’t give you what you “deserve” as a man, just take it. After all, you’re a man. You do what you want.

Real men don’t touch women that they aren’t married to. Real men repent when they fail in romantic relationships outside of marriage, and seek God’s grace in both pardon and purification. And if and when they fall again, they get up, trusting Christ, and they lead their girlfriends to do the same. Real men learn to treat women with honor and respect.

We celebrate riches, have TV shows (Is “Cribs” still a thing on MTV?) about how celebrities lavishly spend their money, and we look down on the poor as if they are worthless. Is it any wonder then that the richest of us in terms of money tend to be the poorest of us in terms of character?

We have fathers who fail to be fathers. They leave their children, seeing the child they helped create as a burden, wishing to live a carefree, sinful lifestyle of selfishness and laziness. We have fathers depending on the government to give them a welfare check instead of getting a job. And when their son winds up in a gang or in prison, they blame the police, or society, or the school system, instead of looking in the mirror.

We have friends who are more interested in being seen on social media than helping their brothers become better men. Even as Christians, we are far too often consumed by the pursuit of popularity rather than helping each other pursue holiness, the high calling we have in Christ.

Today, Florida State quarterback, Heisman Trophy/National Title-winning quarterback, Jameis Winston, was suspended for the first half of this weekend’s game against Clemson for making crude and vulgar comments toward women. It’s nothing I care to repeat on this post, but the Internet can tell you pretty quickly. Apparently the statement was made in front of many students, some of which I presume to be Winston’s “friends.”

I am so grateful that my friends are not like his. If your friends encourage sinful behavior, run. If your friends want to laugh at your stupidity more than help you in your struggles, run. If your friends say, “Do it for the Vine” more than they say, “Follow Jesus,” run. If I had said anything near what Winston said, I can’t think of a single friend who would laugh with/at me. My brothers in Christ would call/text/Facebook me and ask me what in the world I was thinking. They’d quickly call me to repentance and chastise me for being so foolish and vulgar as a disciple of Christ. Thank you, God, for Godly friends.

This brings us to the solution: Jesus creates Godly men. What, or rather, who, ultimately fixes the culture is Jesus. Jesus does this through taking sinful, ungodly men and turning them, by His grace and the power of the Holy Spirit, into Godly men, who then teach their sons, brothers and friends how to be Godly men, by the grace of God.

We need husbands and fathers who understand that real men give their lives for their families. And I’m not talking about literally dying for your wife and children (though that would certainly be the right thing to do, if needed). I’m talking about what Jesus talked about in Ephesians 5, where He says, through the apostle Paul, “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.” I’ve said it before here and elsewhere–to love your wife like Christ loved the church is to make the ultimate sacrifice for your wife–your life. Jesus literally gave up His life for the church to have life. While we probably won’t literally die for our wives, we are commanded to die daily and live for Christ, our family, and others, for the glory of God. What does that look like? Getting a job. Keeping a job. Spending time with your family, phone-free. Keeping your eyes free from pornography and women that don’t have your ring around their finger. Spending time talking to your family about their relationship with God and taking the responsibility God gave you as a man in leading them to a deeper faith in Christ as Savior and Lord. There’s so much more to that, and, honestly, because I’m not married yet, this is the part of the blog where I need a co-author who knows a whole lot more than me. Find a Godly, married man, and learn from him. I have several of these men in my life, from my grandfather to church leaders to ministers that have served me over the last few years.

We need men that understand that manhood isn’t marked by your muscle definition, or the car you drive, or the house you live in, or the shoes you wear, or the attractiveness of your woman. We need men that die to the world and live for the glory of God and the joy of others, seeking to put others first in a “me-first” society.

This is exactly what Jesus did. If anyone had the right to demand worship, it’s Jesus. You ran for 30 touchdowns last season? That’s cute. Ever seen Mount Everest? Yeah…He made that. You drive a Bentley? Cool story, bro. He invented and gave you the brain you don’t seem to be using. Your dad owns the town? His dad owns the “cattle on a thousand hills.” And the sun. Oh yeah…His dad owns the sun! He speaks and light is created! Top that.

Jesus is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is the Alpha and Omega, and His kingdom will reign forever and ever. And we dare to puff ourselves up with pride before Him, thinking we have any room to stand before a holy God, because we’re “cool.” We are not cool. We are sinners. And we need Christ.

Jesus is the Son of God, but He left His heavenly home to come here, not to be worshiped as the one true King, but to serve, suffer and die at the hands of sinful men that not once treated Him rightly. What happens when the men of today suffer insult and injury? We want to step in the ring and prove we’re better than the next guy. I remember even as a kid trading insults back and forth, thinking that that proved how cool I was (and unfortunately, there are still times today I can fall into this prideful trap). While there’s certainly nothing wrong with self-defense and defense of others, prideful self-exaltation for the purpose of “getting back” with someone is completely sinful and not at all Christlike.

What is Christlike? Humility. Love. Exalting God. Service. Dying to self.

Again, remember who Jesus is. Remember what He rightly deserves. And then turn to John 13. John 13 finds the King of all the universe washing the feet of sinful men, whose feet weren’t so clean, either. One of these men would betray Him for a few coins and deliver Him over to be crucified. And Jesus, who shouldn’t bow to anyone, got on His knees and he washed the disgusting, dirty feet of sinful men who deserved nothing but hell. And then He died for them.

That’s manhood. That’s what it means to be a man. To give everything you have, not to make a name for yourself, but to love others, to glorify God, so that when you leave this Earth, your legacy isn’t measured in stats, number of cars, trophies or the amount of zeroes in your bank account, but rather in the people you introduced to Jesus and the Godly, holy example of your life. You leave a legacy of Godly marriage, Godly fatherhood and Godly friendship. You model repentance and faith in the gospel and power of Jesus Christ for your wife, children and friends. No man, other than Jesus Christ, is perfect. One of the markers of a Godly man is realizing how far short you fall, daily, of God’s glory, and repenting, confessing where you fail, and putting your hope in Jesus for salvation and new life. And then you lead your wife and your children and your friends to a deeper appreciation and love of Jesus Christ.

As I type these words of what it means to be a Godly man, I realize that I fall so far short of what God expects of me as a man, as His image-bearer. Even as a Christian, as one who is following Christ as Lord and has been saved from sin, I still fail, daily. This morning, I repented of not loving others as much as I should. I confessed that I don’t listen as well as I should, and that I can be so lazy at times it is unreal. None of this is okay. I have so much to learn about what it means to be a Godly man. And while I’m thankful for the Godly men that stand as examples in my life, I’m even more thankful for the God-man who gave Himself for my failures and lives to make me new.

We can repent. By the grace of God, we can change. And as we change, we can change culture. Instead of teaching our sons to look up to disgraced sports stars, let’s give them a reason to look up to us. Instead of being quick to defend ourselves, let’s be quick to repent, trusting Jesus to save us, to forgive us, to change us. And our sons, and their sons, will be part of a Godly legacy of men who thought nothing of themselves, but only of Jesus and those who need them.

There is hope for the NFL. There is hope for America. There is hope for men. There is hope for all of us. His name is Jesus. He loves you, and stands ready to save and help those who call on His name.

A day is coming where He will reign as King forever. Until that day comes, may we trust in Him, honor Him, and walk with Him. Lord, may we repent quickly, trusting you to forgive us, and by your grace, to change us and help us be who we are through faith in you. May we trust you as King, laying down our false crowns and sinful, selfish ways to gain you. May you make us Godly men who trust and follow you. May you come quickly.

God bless,
Neal E.

Every five minutes, my phone lights up with another notification about the Ray Rice saga/scandal/controversy/your word choice here. If you somehow missed this news item, I’ll sum it up real quick:

Ray Rice, former starting running back for the NFL’s Baltimore Ravens, was suspended two games by Commissioner Roger Goodell for his arrest on domestic abuse charges. At the time, Goodell claims the NFL had only one video, one showing Rice pulling his then-fiancee (now wife) Janay out of an elevator, the latter obviously unconscious.

Now, another video has surfaced, one that clearly shows Mr. Rice punching Janay in the face, knocking her unconscious. Rice was immediately released by the Ravens and suspended indefinitely by the NFL.

So, there’s the story.

At this point, people are calling for all sorts of measures, from Goodell’s being fired/resignation to boycotting the NFL for a week or an entire season. Some have said that the NFL has “lost its way.”

My take: None of these actions, in the long run, will work. Roger Goodell’s being fired doesn’t fix the problem, because, as far as we know, Roger Goodell doesn’t beat his wife. Boycotting the NFL may cost teams a few hundred dollars in advertising (and that’s an iffy maybe), but they have plenty to spare.

If Goodell did indeed view this second video before making his decision (which is now a possibility), I do believe he should resign for outrageously poor handling of the situation (Also, I don’t think Goodell’s a good commissioner to begin with, but that’s besides the point). However, this doesn’t fix “the problem.”

The problem isn’t Ray Rice. The problem isn’t (just) the misogyny that is all too present in hip-hop and sports culture (two cultures that seem to go hand-in-hand). The problem isn’t (just) absent fathers not teaching their sons to respect women. The problem, ultimately, is sin. Misogyny and poor parenting, ultimately, are a result of sin in the human heart. That’s not to downplay the seriousness of those issues. It’s striking at the heart of them.

While changing external things may help in the short run, changing the human heart produces change in the long run. And there’s only one capable of changing the human heart. He is the answer for Ray Rice’s problem, and mine. And yours.

See, while not all men hit their wives, all men are sinners (all women are sinners too, but the focus of this post, as evidenced in the title, is men). All men fall short of God’s good and glorious standard of manhood. We are lustful. We are prideful. We want what we want when we want it, and we will do whatever it takes to get it. And because the world around us is fallen, we are told everyday to celebrate our manhood. We are told that this is normal, that men are tough and strong and get what they want, no matter what anyone else says. Rap music tells us that the objectification of women and the celebration of extra-marital sex is not only normal, but right. If we’re not getting rich, getting trashed and going home with a different girl every night, the culture around us tells us that we’re doing it wrong.

Jesus reverses all that. Jesus, the God-man, shows us that to be a man means to be a servant to our brothers, not a selfish swindler (John 13). Jesus shows us that to be a man means to show love to the least of these (John 4, John 8:1-11). Most of all, Jesus, at the cross, first and foremost as our Savior, and secondly as our Lord and example, shows us that to love someone is not to use them and abuse them for personal gain, but to do whatever is necessary, even laying down our life, to meet their needs and provide for them (Matt. 26:26-29, Matt. 27:32-54, Isaiah 53).

When we come to follow Jesus, we embrace His Lordship over every area of our lives, and this changes everything. As we give up a life of sin, trusting Jesus to save us and forgive us, we turn to trust Jesus as the authority in our lives, trusting that He is a much better God than we ever could be. And His reign extends to our relationships with women. Jesus, through Paul, tells husbands to love their wives as He loved the church, sacrificing Himself for her. He actually says that to love your wife is to love yourself.

In a culture that equates loving yourself with pleasing yourself through using women, Jesus says loving your wife, serving your wife, is how you love yourself. Jesus says there is infinitely more joy in loving, serving and dedicating yourself to one woman all your life than jumping around from girl to girl, getting what you want and moving on.

Jesus says in Matthew 19 that when a man and woman marry, they become one flesh. So, biblically, what happened when Ray Rice punched his wife? He hurt not only Janay, but himself. “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” (Eph. 5:29). To raise your hand against your wife is to raise your hand against the God who gave her to you. To attack your wife is to attack your own flesh, pulling apart the one flesh union God designed for marriage before the creation of the world.

I’d be willing to bet that most men reading this post have never hit their wives. Many men reading this may not have led a lifestyle of lust, going from woman to woman. But every man reading this post is a sinner. We’ve all fallen short, whether that’s in failing to love our wives completely, failing to honor women with our eyes, tongues, minds and hearts, failing to be humble and gracious toward others…you really don’t have to look far, unfortunately. While I’m not married yet, I most definitely am a sinner. There are far too many times where I have failed to honor my sisters in Christ, far too many times where I’ve failed to be humble and gentle in speech toward all peoples, and far too many times where I have failed to reflect the image of God like I was created to do.

That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news: Jesus saves sinners. And once they become Christians, He continues to save them, over and over and over, from their failings, day by day, transforming them to look more like Him until one day, all sin is crushed. He lived the perfect life that I may be counted righteous before a holy God and died on the cross that I may be forgiven. He rose again to lead me as my Lord and teach me to trust Him and live like Him.

What’s our responsibility, men? Repent. Humble ourselves before God, genuinely confess that we’ve gone astray, whether that’s by hitting your wife or speaking harshly to her, whether that’s by living a life of lust or living a life of pride, and that we need Christ. We need Him to be the Lord of our lives, and we trust Him to graciously come rule over us, and through His amazing grace, forgive us, and restore us to God.

Whether that’s the first time you’ve ever repented and placed your faith in Christ or the 500th time you’ve repented and placed your faith in Christ, know this: He is faithful to finish what He starts (Philippians 1:6). Far from removing responsibility from us, this calls us to, as Paul says a few verses over in Philippians, “work out” our “own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”

Domestic abuse is a serious problem because sin is a serious problem. While domestic abuse is and should be illegal, and any man that hits his wife absolutely deserves legal punishment and needs to seek help from others concerning anger management, the deeper problem is always sin, and Jesus is the only one that can fix that.

In the long run, our only hope of overcoming the serious issue of domestic abuse, of any sin, is the work, person and power of Jesus Christ, for both men and women. Come, Lord.

May we seek you. May we repent, hating the sin that keeps us from you, despising it and desiring to walk with you. May we trust your grace, your cross, your righteousness. May we trust your power as our Lord to overcome our sin. May you finish what you started, in all of us, Lord.

God bless,
Neal E.

The Life I Now Live

Living by faith in the Son of God

The (Sad) State of Manhood

Ray Rice, Manhood, and the Gospel