life

I Am Not In Control

/ Neal Embry / Leave a comment

In case you don’t know, I’m 23 years old.  The reason this is important is that for the past 22 years, my life has been pretty secure.  For the first 18 years, I did what a majority of kids did.  I went to school.  I did homework.  I saw my family.  Same old, same old.

I knew I was going to Montevallo six months before I graduated.  I never had to worry about a stressful decision.  Montevallo gave me more money than Alabama, I wanted a small school, so I went to UM.  Not much stress there.

For the last four and a half years, I was back and forth between Montevallo and Vestavia, with summer trips to Virginia and the Philippines in between.  I knew where and who I was–a Mass Comm student, member of the BCM, friend, family member, etc.  I had class, I had BCM events, I knew what I was doing the next semester five months before it got there, and everything seemed to just coast along.

It was easier to follow God in this structured life.  It was easy to find ways to glorify Him in my work, relationships, ministry opportunities, etc.  I had a plan.  I was going to be at UM for 4.5 years, get a degree, get a job, and serve a church.  I was going to stay in town, work at a local paper, go to seminary, and not much would change, other than location and job.

And now, about four months after graduation, I can confidently say that nothing has gone according to plan.  I thought I’d start seminary and finish in four years.  Now, I don’t know if I’ll finish it in seven.  It may take me ten.  I thought for sure I’d find a job somewhere in the state.  Nope.  I thought for sure that this great, logical, rational plan I had made up for myself was going to work.

The old joke is that if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him what your plans are.  While I don’t hear God laughing, I do hear Him speaking those dreaded words that I never like to hear: “You are NOT in control.  No matter how much you think you are, you are not God, and you never will be.”

If you asked me if I thought I was God, if I thought I was in control, I’d probably laugh in your face.  Because, on the surface, that sounds preposterous.  But deep down, and in the everyday, when I start to see how real that lack of control really is….I know I’ve made it an idol.  I’m scared, not because I fear moving away or taking longer in seminary than I thought I would.  I’m scared because I’m not in control.  I am a control freak.

And I am a sinner.  I try to control my own salvation.  I want to be the one who makes God happy.  I want to be the one who changes my own life.  I want to do it, I want to prove myself, I, I, I, I, and I.

But the gospel gets rid of me and inserts Jesus in my place.  I do not earn my forgiveness, Jesus does.  I don’t make God happy, Jesus does.  I don’t prove myself before God and earn His approval, Jesus does.  I am not righteous, Jesus is.  I can’t even change my own heart.  Jesus does.

I am nothing.  I have nothing.  I’m convinced the reason I struggle to rest in Christ and trust that I’m saved is because I am a control freak.  It’s seemingly impossible for me to trust someone else to do something I need done.  And so I freak out, until I feel like I have control over the situation.  But I never have control.  It’s a facade.  My salvation is found in Christ’s finished work, not my prayers.  If I’m trusting my own ability to control my salvation, I’m not trusting Jesus.  This isn’t just stupid, it’s deadly.

For the first time in my life, I’m beginning to understand just how small I am, and that I literally have no control.  I can’t control God, I can’t control others, and I can’t control my own life.  I have no idea what God is about to do.  For goodness’ sake, I just got two emails apologizing that jobs in Minnesota and North Dakota have already been filled.  NORTH DAKOTA! (No disrespect to ND).  I’d be less than an hour away from Canada (Yes, I did check)!  If you had told me a year ago that I’d even be applying for jobs in that part of the country, I’d call you crazy.  I don’t know where I’m going to be living in the next month.  I don’t know what church I’ll be attending (another thing that hasn’t changed in 20 years).  I don’t know what I’ll be doing.  And every year after this one seems less and less secure.

Obviously, part of this is just life, and the process of growing up.  I understand that.  It happens to everyone, Christian and non-Christian.  But, as a Christian, it forces me to ask myself if I really trust God.  Do I really trust Him to finish what He started?  Do I really trust Him to keep me following Christ, even if that’s across the country?  Do I really trust that His will is better than my will?  Do I really trust Jesus to be all that He’s promised to be?

I need to, that’s for sure.  And so I pray, earnestly, that God would give me faith.  Not just an intellectual, theologically rich faith.  But a real faith from my heart that leads to resting in Jesus, to joy in Jesus, and, ultimately, to a life that glorifies the King.  I don’t have that right now.  But 1 Peter says that Christians are being guarded by God’s power, through faith.  It is God who gives faith.  All that’s left is for me to ask Him, to trust Him to do it, and to keep following Him as He fulfills His promises.

Jesus never promises that I’ll be able to see what’s going to happen.  One day, Peter was fishing for fish.  In the course of that same day, he stopped doing what he was doing, and started following the King of the universe, fishing for men.  That’s how quickly Jesus changes things.

So I don’t know what will happen.  But God does.  And I’m going to let that be enough for me.

May we trust in Your wisdom and not our own, God. May we find everything we need, from salvation to breakfast, in You.  Amen.

God bless,

Neal E.

Everything Points to You–Evening Talk With God

/ Neal Embry / 2 Comments

Dear God,

Today I saw a beautiful bird flying around outside.  Help me be amazed by the creation and the things I take for granted far too often.

You made that bird, and you gave it wings to fly and created it just the way you wanted, simply because you could.  Glory to the God of all creatures.

As I drove in to work, the sun was out, and I could feel the heat and it’s warm embrace.  No way science made that.  God, you did that.  We would have never thought of that.  A big ball that burns to give humans heat and light that’s light years away? We take it for granted, but your sovereign, powerful, almighty mind thought it up before we were formed.  Thank you for being the God of light.

I heard the laughter of children all throughout the day.  Who else but a good, loving, and humorous God could make up a sound that elicits a smile from all those around?  None but You, God.  Glory to the God of laughter.

I ate a delicious dinner of fish and macaroni and cheese, and God, you in your infinite wisdom knew that the taste of fish and mac and cheese would make me and countless others happy, and would satisfy our stomachs, which You also gave us.  We have nothing without you.  Whether we see it directly or indirectly, You provide for our daily needs.

God, you have created beauty.  You have made beautiful people.  You’ve made a beautiful creation.  I have a beautiful family, a beautiful home, a beautiful girlfriend and a beautiful life, as imperfect as it may be…if my imperfect life is in the hands of a perfect God, I’m in pretty good shape.

And the only reason You create beauty is to point back to yourself.  All these joys and beauties, as good as they may be, serve to point us toward you, the God of everything.  Right now, as I write, I’m listening to music that you inspired, music–who would have thought that certain instruments, with a specific constitution, hit, plucked, played a certain way would strike at our emotions, our hearts and bring us such joy?  Who knew the power of words?  Who knew but You, the God of all words,the God of the ultimate Word?

You give us sports, in which we unfortunately at times idolize 20-40 year old men that play a game involving a ball and goal.  But our desire to see our favorite player make a game-winning play reveal that we’re looking for a hero, and this again points us to you, who never lets us down, who always wins, who’s always the MVP, and who’s the ultimate hero.

You gave us an incredibly unique body, with various parts and so many things go on inside us that we take for granted.  You’re the God of all life.

God, all of this points us to You.  In all these things, God, You are the one who alone is worthy of worship.  Help me not worship the created, but let the created and my lesser joy in Your creations lead me to worship and have my highest joy in Christ, the center of all creation, according to your word (Colossians 1:16). 

Jesus, you are, according to Scripture, the agent of creation..through you the Father created.  Creation’s beauty, in all of life’s complexities and spheres, points us to your beauty, Jesus.  To the beauty of worshiping God.  To the beauty of holiness and walking with God in His ways, what we were made for.  To the beauty of having a loving relationship with God.  To the beauty of living for something other than sin’s dark shadows and ourselves.

Everything was created by you and for you, Jesus.  Ultimately, this is all about You, God….the birds, the fish, the sports, the music, and even the mac and cheese.  It’s all about You, and your beauty.  We worship not the things you give, but the Giver.  Show me what this looks like.  Your love, your grace, your patience, your promises, and the glory to be revealed in eternity. 

This is what I await…that as beautiful as this world seems, something greater is coming.  Something rid of sin, rid of death, rid of blemishes…your Kingdom, Jesus.

And the only way I’ll see this is if I have turned from worshiping and following sin and myself to trust in your beautiful Gospel, the center of our faith…the most beautiful story ever told.  One of an eternal King, leaving a heavenly Kingdom to come redeem those who had gone astray.  Of a Savior, paying the price for all sin and taking MY punishment so I could be forgiven and given new life by the very God I had let down so many times.  Of a risen Lord, leading me in new ways and new life and new desires.  Of God the Holy Spirit, leading to repentance and faith, not just once, but every day.  Of God the Father’s adoption, not because this orphan earned it, but because Jesus did.  Of a future life in glory, entered into solely by faith in the merit of Christ.

God, I know I have a long way to go in sanctification.  And my inconsistencies and failures horrify me at times.  But I know I have no where else to run but Your work, Jesus, and Your finished work.  I can’t make another sacrifice or earn it back by my works.  But I can turn from it, hate it and begin to love You and rest in Your grace, shown at the cross.  And by the victory won in the resurrection, I can overcome and keep following You.  I’m not where I was, though at times it seems I’ve gone back there.  You’ve rescued me and continue to do so.  And I’m not where I’m supposed to be, but I trust in You to get me there, God.  I trust in You.  Help me trust more, because tonight I need to…doubts plague me every other day, Father.

You know, God, I’m beginning to see I hate sin….not because I have to earn Your love, but because Your love is better.  Because walking that out and growing in my rest in it and sharing it with others and working for Your kingdom in real life with you is so much better.  Assure me by Your Spirit that I am in Christ, that I may be who I am.

As good and as cool as Your creation is God, and I pray putting this online helps some readers see that…it all reflects back to You.  For as good as Your handiwork all throughout the universe is, we weren’t made to live for and worship the creation.

We were made to live for Christ, in relationship with the Creator through Him.

Thank you God…help this sink in my heart, and with all the faith I have, I put it in Your Son, and Him alone.  Help me live for You. Help everyone who reads this live for Jesus, and do what we were made to do.

Thank you again Father,

Neal